projection much?

He regularly tells me I don't love him... 

My education tells me that means he actually does not love me

My guess is he just doesn't know how to leave or he's afraid of my reaction.... 

Truth is the current state just leaves me in constant anxiety. 

validation

So last night after the stretching and fucking K, in talking about something*I* did during sex, said something to the effect of "when he orgasmed on my dick".... Talking about the assgasms I have... Loved how nonchalantly K referred to Beast as "he" rather then taking about him as me myself. 

whore

At least half the reason I'm such a whore is hopong I can find one of the truly psychos to end me... Since I can't seem to do it myself... 

Maybe someday... 

 So I'm sitting here having a moral debate with myself over whether or not it would be bad to look for other dick while I'm waiting for my *buddy* to be free...

duh....

Merch idea

Thought of this tonight... 

Not A bad opening merch place for demonic merch

tonight

Had the absolute most visceral grounding experience of my life while doing kettle bell around the world's

... Fell into a *weird* rhythm... But was feeling it so just kinda hit a flow state with it... And suddenly my feet were slow motion spread melting into *EARTH" (purely elementally I was standing in my second floor workout space).

Having never experienced anything even vaguely like this before my brain snapped me out of the moment to consciously catalog the experience bringing me back... 

Also pretty sure I agreed to do <insert the word I'm missing that's kind of like halfway between cthonic and funereal... Death doula business is this adjective> spiritual work  beginning at 65 or if I ever get a terminal diagnosis... (Noted poor phrasing after the fact .. I very well could somehow get a terminal diagnosis for someone very close to me .. my missed loophole)... I'm exchange for being left alone by specifically " death" as a working path. 

(No I was not talking to this little coincidence... It was just the trigger point)

Update

pretty sure that's confirmation...

analogies

Why the fuck am I so analogy driven? I will apply analogies where none is needed. Mental blip.. reflection and refraction.... Oh that's it everything is reflection and refraction of everything else. Almost like every human is a copy of the same program as every other human with very minor tweaks to the code, which can end up radically different from each other in just a few iterations. Or can coincidentally (or synchronously) recombine into stramgely similar people, or not quite so similar versions bumping into each other and somehow recognizing just enough of themself in the other to understand some blip of  of their calculated variation of the same entity pit into existence as a way for the greater thing to understand... Maybe itself.