so very tired

I am the kind of tired 

That no amount of sleep can fix. 

The fear of fucking up and being a vegetable or other sort of burden, combined with a fear of pain are the only reasons I'm still here now. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I don't want to be here anymore. 

I wish I could get past my fears and fucking end it. 

at 52

My deck is now full

But my aces have been played

There's little left to do

And I am left the knave

Myself I cannot raise

This world I cannot save

The queen of hearts

Has torn me apart

And the king of clubs

Has beat me up

I, The joker smile through my pain

And continue this life in vain.